THE CASS REPORT II

TYPICAL HOLLYWOOD

The Cass Report 2?!? A sequel? What, no one could come up with any original ideas? How much do these writer's rooms get paid? If we HAVE to have sequels, it should at least be for things people care about, like Red One or the Logan Paul suicide forest video.

Yes, The Cass Report is BACK - early! I knew I'd more than likely want to post one more often than quaterly here and there, but I didn't see it coming so soon. Fuck it, why not, right? I've got loads of shit to ramble about, and now you've gone and validated it, so your inboxes are going to be totally spammed with my bullshit for years to come.
There's also been a major budget increase (more on that later) so whilst things may still look fuck ugly, they should function better. A priority for this issue is to have things function on mobile, too. Towards that end, I've made two changes: things change size and get skinnier for a phone screen; and you can now tap on yellow text to see extra stuff rather than having to hover over it, which didn't work on phones.

TESTIMONIALS

People actually responded to the last one of these, and I didn't write anything back, ha ha ha (but also oops, sorry). So I must now respond HERE, which is actually a genius humble-brag technique so you can see all the praise people have pelted me with for TCR #1. I learned this trick from this totally cool dude who also taught me about this thing called "negging" and how all women are actually agents of the devil dispersed like poison spores from hell. Hang on, I just remembered I post this on the internet where anyone can see it one sec

okay cool so that's me covered. for the record i actually love women and it's men who are probably from hell or whatever.

As you can see, issue #1 of The Cass Report was actually a smash hit, and one of the biggest box office successes in living memory. With a budget of fat zero, it amassed a whopping two billion dollars, and was seen by an estimated five hundred million people, and most of them bought another ticket on the way out just to say thank you. Wow.

Sponsored Segment

Since the runaway success of The Cass Report's first issue, we've been approached by many organisations just absolutely begging, and I mean they're down on their knees and drooling and like, twerking and shit. But anyway yeah they wanted to run some ads and my wallet had moths flying out of it so here you go.

Looking Up

Readers of The Cass Report, being of the discerning variety, will recognise a question like "who cares about algae?" for what it is: HORSESHIT! Who doesn't care about algae? Why would you not want to care about algae? Tiny plants that live in water; this combines three of the all time best things: plants, water, and being tiny.

If, however, I were to alter the parameters of the question a little, I might get a more mixed response. Take, for example, "Who cares about algae 124 light years away?"
Now you're thinking, Hm. Well I do really care about algae. But even if that algae was, say, a mile away, I might care about it just a little less than any algae right in front of me. This algae, though, this hypothetical algae you're asking me to care about, well now it's seven hundred trillion miles away. That's a considerable distance.
And you're right! This would be very, very faraway algae.
Chemicals produced by this hypothetical algae might be what scientists have spotted on planet K2-18b, a potentially ocean-bearing world orbiting in the habitable zone of a red dwarf star. On Earth, dimethyl sulphide is only produced in nature by phytoplankton, and they've spotted an awful lot of it in the atmosphere of K2-18b. This potentially means a world teeming with life - perhaps even an ocean covering the planet's entire surface (and it's no meagre surface - the planet is two and a half times as large as our Earth), all of it brimming with breathing, green life.

Skeleton of the Month

Here's a section I surely won't regret come the summer solstice when I haven't found a new skeleton to include. This is Van Gogh's Skull of a Skeleton with Burning Cigarette, which was unfortunately in Norway when we went to the Van Gogh Museum. I love the little sign of life in the cigarette's lit end. I bought a little A5 print of it which is blu-tac'd above my desk to remind me that I'll die one day, or whatever.

and finally...

Album of the Month

THAT'S RIGHT! It's Caroline Polachek's Desire, I Want to Turn Into You,